This is why your self-doubt seems unfixable

I remember my first session as a professional therapist. I’d just completed my certification and was eager to help people. I was excited but…I was also filled with self-doubt.  

Now, more than 15 years later…well, I still experience self-doubt! And I expect to. But how I perceived self-doubt 15 years ago is quite different than how I see it today.  

The interesting thing about self-doubt is, while we all have it, we also think it’s unique to us and that we’re destined to be controlled by it.   

I’ve worked with hundreds of professionals who put their ambitions on hold because of their self-doubt.  

The biggest problem is not their struggle, but that they fight their struggle.  

You constantly hear messages that you’re not good enough, you need to do better, you have to strive for perfection.  

And what’s worse, modern families and competitive workplaces leave little to no room for constructive self-reflection.  

You’ll learn, like everyone else, to hide, ignore, or smooth over your self-doubt.  

But the more you try to ignore your self-doubt, the less confident you’ll feel.  

That’s where the useless advice comes in:  

“Believe in yourself!” 

“Overcome your fears!” 

“Control your negative thoughts!” 

These are the meaningless messages we get from society.  

These sayings make you think everyone else has figured it all out and it’s just you who has no control over your life. But it’s untrue.  

Because you’re not broken. You just might be stuck. And we can all learn to get unstuck.  

Instead of forcing yourself to be positive or experience no doubt or fear, here’s the psychologically flexible way to approach feelings of inadequacy: 

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First, remember that you’re human. It’s easy to forget that.  

Humans are allowed to fail, to feel inadequate, and to experience loss. 

You’ve been conditioned to deprive yourself of the permission to be imperfect and the right to experience a range of emotions.  

And it’s this type of psychological inflexibility that puts people at constant battle with themselves.  

You’ve been taught to believe that doubting yourself is a sign of weakness, that such feelings should be avoided, ignored, or fixed, and that the path to self-confidence is forced positivity. 

Well, I don’t know about you, but forget that! 

Instead… 

What if you walk towards your self-doubt instead of moving away from it?  

What if you allow the self-doubt in, instead of fighting it?  

What if you embrace the pain and discomfort?  

What if you open up to feelings of incompetence, inadequacy, and hesitation, and make room for unpleasant and difficult thoughts?  

As daunting as it sounds, the moment you embrace this willingness to experience, you stop the struggle with your inner voice and start to focus on what matters.  

And that’s what’s so liberating: the pure realization that there’s no such thing as a life free from doubt or fear.  

Now take a moment and reflect on how the meaningful things in life often come with discomfort. Things going wrong is a healthy part of moving toward what we care about.

Confidence is about having the courage to make tough decisions despite being afraid. It’s NOT being fearless or lacking self-doubt.

Confidence is acting with conviction even if you’re uncertain about every variable. It’s NOT insisting on being fully at ease or solving every unknown.

Confidence requires being aware of your darkest sides and befriending your vulnerabilities.

Now remember, no one transforms from an insecure caterpillar into a bold butterfly overnight. It’s a mindset that you work on every day.

How do I know? Because I’ve taken hundreds of people on this journey.

If you’re curious, here’s how my clients and I begin:

Step one

Start with willingness and acceptance. Let the feelings in.

I know it’s uncomfortable to let the feelings in.

But it’s also liberating.

Be willing to open up to your experience and accept your darker sides. This gives you the opportunity to move forward. It’s a requirement for getting unstuck.

Once you’re accepting of your feelings, those deeply held doubts and fears, you can start to practice different strategies and techniques to work on your limiting beliefs.

This step isn’t one and done, though. It’s a process and requires absolute honesty as well as courage. You will feel uncomfortable at times, but the idea is learning to be uncomfortable with discomfort.

Step two

Reframe your fears and self-doubt using different language.

There is so much you can learn from your self-doubt. What is it trying to tell you? What does it say to you about what you really care about?

For example, my self-doubt around being a therapist gives me the message that I care about the wellbeing of others, and I want to help them as best as I can.
It’s easier to handle emotions when you approach them with a curious mind and with the intention to learn from it.

When you approach your self-doubt with curiosity, you stop judging, battling, or ignoring whatever emotion that comes with it. The self-doubt becomes easier to handle, even when most intense.

Step three

Connect with your values.

When you find what your self-doubt is telling you, you’ll know what your core values are.

Connecting with values is so powerful that it even decreases stress during challenging moments.

When we know what we care about, we can take action in line with those values even though it means feeling some anxiety or fear. Remember, confidence is about doing what matters despite the discomfort.

When we figure out our values, we have a solid rock to stand on. We will still struggle but at least we we know why we're doing what we're doing.

This is how my clients and I usually begin. But each journey is unique. And you can start yours on your own.

Try the act of allowing in your natural feelings, no matter how unpleasant they are, and reframe them to look at what they’re trying to tell you.

I’m not saying that it’s easy. That’s why you need to give yourself the kindness you need during this journey.