Pure Acceptance in Relationships Is Not Realistic
My PhD advisor, who was also my mentor for years after I graduated, once told me that relationships are like gardens. They thrive, he said, when you honour what’s already there but you aren’t afraid to shape things a bit.
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the weight of his words, but over the years, they’ve made more sense.
We’ve all heard it: “Just accept them as they are!” It’s as if love demands we either embrace every quirk or secretly wish they'd change their more... frustrating traits. But real love doesn’t live at either extreme. Acceptance and expectations for change can co-exist.
Of course, starting a relationship with a mental checklist of “improvements” for your partner is a fast track to disappointment. Companionship is about seeing each other as you are, not molding each other to an ideal. This general sense of acceptance, as research confirms, is a positive predictor of satisfaction in relationships. One reason for this is that seeing a large gap between our partner’s traits and our ideal standards can diminish relationship quality. When we practice acceptance, this gap narrows, leading to a more positive and fulfilling view of the relationship.
That sounds great. But if we buy into the idea that “real love means unconditional acceptance” without room for any expectations and acknowledging that we can accept our partners without liking every trait or action, we’re setting ourselves up for unhappiness and even resentment.
So many people are trying hard to “just accept their partners and not change them,” as if acceptance is the opposite of change.
Letting go of our own needs, pretending we don’t want our partners to change, and tolerating every aspect of who they are look more like resignation than acceptance. Change is part of acceptance.
There will be times when you’re not meeting each other’s needs. Times when your partner acts in a way that annoys you. Times when you make a mistake and hurt your partner. It’s natural to feel ambivalent—mixed, conflicting—feelings towards our partners.
According to a recent research study, this isn’t always bad. Researchers found that when people feel ambivalent towards their partners, they spend more time thinking about problems, but they also think about ways to improve the relationship. This, in turn, helps them engage in positive actions, like wanting to spend more time together.
So yes, you can love each other deeply, flaws and all, without buying into the myth of unconditional acceptance. Real acceptance is a gift you give and receive.
Where does this myth of unconditional acceptance come from though?
Blame it partly on pop psychology and social media, which loves to say things like “accept your partner as they are,” equating love with bottomless tolerance. And, of course, Hollywood’s to blame, too. Movies sold us on the fantasy of unconditional acceptance. “It’s an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to, and who’ll accept you for what you are,” says Edward Cullen in Twilight. Or, as Paige declares in The Vow, “You did everything. You accepted me for who I am, and not for what you wanted me to be.”
Sure, it’s nice to feel seen and accepted, but these messages are flawed because love is less about perfect acceptance and more about those moments of sidelong glances when your partner leaves the dishes in the sink again or misses a chance to show they truly “get” you.
Love needs room for growth, for compromise. And, yes, a little healthy friction. Relationships don’t thrive in a vacuum of zero expectations; they need a little push and pull, a bit of curiosity and evolution.
A desire for change is not a betrayal of acceptance. It doesn’t undo love. In fact, addressing each other’s needs is part of love itself.
Can we embrace each other’s flaws and grow together, teaching and learning along the way? Can we guide each other respectfully, with the humility to be guided in return?
When we view relationships as shared spaces for growth and learning, where both positive and negative feelings co-exist, and where we love some of our partner’s traits and dislike others, we see that expectations for change are normal and even healthy. Things get tricky only when they become a wish list for an idealised partner, like hoping your free-spirited partner will follow a rigid routine or expecting your introverted partner to become the life of the party. Yeah, those are expectations best left at the door.
Another reason this myth sticks around is our weird habit of using “needy” as an insult. It’s like we’re all supposed to coast through life in serene independence, unbothered by anyone else. But what’s wrong with having needs?
We enter relationships with desires for companionship, tenderness, support, and intimacy. If we’re not feeling understood, we should be able to communicate that and ask for change. Similarly, if our partner feels unsupported, they have a right to express this need. These aren’t violations of acceptance. Communicating needs honestly and kindly can be an invitation to connect on a deeper, more meaningful level.
So, no, acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating everything or ignoring our own needs in the name of some idealised love. It doesn’t deny the occasional irritations.
Real acceptance is dynamic. It’s an active, open-minded way of understanding each other’s unique perspectives and quirks. It’s about engaging with each other’s differences rather than demanding they disappear. It’s vulnerable conversations about what we both need to feel loved, respected, and valued. And it’s recognising the capacity for change.
We don’t have to choose between total acceptance and secretly hoping for change; we can hold both at once. Acceptance involves making room for uncertainty, doubt, and dissatisfaction. You don’t have to accept or like every part of your partner to love them.
It’s challenging, but if we approach it with intention, it’s doable: by accepting that neither of you is perfect, responding to each other’s needs thoughtfully, practicing humility and openness to change, and voicing your annoyances with kindness. This last part is crucial. Our annoyances lead to criticism, thinking we can prompt improvement through nagging or critique, but that rarely works. A more effective approach is helping our partner understand why we’d like them to change a behaviour, inviting change through understanding rather than judgment.
And for those seeking a partner, here’s one last thought: look for someone open and willing to grow—someone who sees learning and guiding as part of love.